Thursday, February 12, 2015

SUN VS SNOW BLOG HOP!


Query:

Dear Amazing Agent,

Sasha’s father made a career out of pilfering jewels from the world’s richest families, and he taught her every scheme he knew. After his death Sasha attempts her biggest heist ever, the one job her father planned to every last detail, but left undone. The theft of a priceless sapphire will be her way of mourning the loss of the only parent she’s ever known. But one disaster follows another, and Sasha ends up minus the sapphire and framed for its disappearance.

While searching for the real thief, she stumbles upon her father’s darkest secret. Old newspaper articles surface, telling the story of an abducted child, and an identical twin left behind. Her father stole more than jewels. He stole Sasha as well.

A case of mistaken identity leaves the sister Sasha can’t remember accused of having taken the sapphire. Her sister’s freedom in jeopardy, Sasha must unravel the tangled knots of their father’s past and find the missing jewel. Meanwhile, Sasha’s beloved older brother, and partner-in-crime, has reasons of his own for making certain some family secrets stay buried.

My YA thriller VANISHED is complete at 78,000 words. VANISHED will appeal to readers of Ally Carter. I envision this title as the first in a two-book series. I am working on the second book now.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


FIRST 250:

My brother Raj and I waited amongst the trees at the edge of Signora D’Agnelli’s driveway, watching her limousine disappear into the dusky evening. A breeze swept in off the sea, filling the air with a marshy, damp scent. In autumn, the terrain on the Italian coast was perpetually wet, but by the time anyone thought to scout around for footprints in the muddy earth, Raj and I would be long gone.

When we could no longer see the taillights, Raj shot me his sly grin. Rather than force a smile in return, I picked up one end of the ladder he’d purchased at a hardware store fifty miles away. He grabbed the other end and we jogged up the gravel driveway towards Signora’s villa.  

We’d both dressed in black. Jeans, sweatshirt, gloves, boots. No jewelry. Nothing that might slip off or be forgotten. My hair was in a tight braid, dyed from pale blond to brown. I’d popped in brown contacts to disguise my blue eyes. Raj had pulled his black hair into a ponytail and removed all his earrings. The sweatshirt masked a tattoo on his left bicep of the Chinese characters for genius.

On the deck by the pool Raj took his laptop out of his backpack and sat down in a wooden chair.  “She’s practically inviting us inside, Sasha,” he said as he hacked into the website for Tele-Italia.

Not quite, but Signora’s alarm and motion detectors did run on landlines rather than a cellular network.

9 comments:

  1. Hi Jenny!
    Query suggestions:
    “After his death {comma after death} Sasha attempts her biggest heist ever, {use a colon instead of a comma and combine the next two sentences a little. i.e. “: thieving the priceless sapphire her father never got the chance to take.” Or something like that.} the one job her father planned to every last detail, but left undone. The theft of a priceless sapphire will be her way of mourning the loss of the only parent she’s ever known.
    Instead of saying that it’s part of a two-book series, say it has series potential.
    And also include a paragraph about yourself for a bio so the agents can get a good feel of who you are :)
    First 250:
    I like that you started right out with a heist. That really helps to draw in the reader.
    “On the deck by the pool Raj took his laptop” [On the deck of the pool, Raj]
    In the last sentence, I would reword a little because the “not quite” threw me off. I was thinking about him hacking into the computer and not her mentally answering his comment.

    Sounds like a great novel!! Best of luck in your journey!

    -Steph

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  2. Hi. I really like your query, but I felt her brother needed to be mentioned sooner. It sounded like she was an only child until she found out she had a sister, then the ending with Raj seemed to come out of left field. Also, maybe say: "Old newspaper articles [tell] the story of an abducted child, and an identical twin left behind." So it sounds less convoluted.

    The first page seems like a good place to start the novel, and you set the scene well. I'd break up the description of what they're wearing, as I felt myself skim through that paragraph. Maybe move the mention of Raj's ponytail and lack of earrings, plus the no jewelry to be forgotten up to the paragraph where he gives her the sly grin.

    Good luck!

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  3. Hi, VANISHED sounds like an amazing novel! Your query immediately piqued my interest. I like that you started immediately with action. You have me wondering if her real parents are still alive. I guess I'll have to wait until your book is published to find out. Great visual. Good luck!

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  4. Hi. I like that you have a deceased father figure and an MC about to fulfill his legacy, only to discover everything she knows about her past is wrong. I agree about mentioning the brother sooner - his sudden appearance at the end of the query was jarring. Also, the phrase "case of mistaken identity" sounds vague to me. I wonder if you could say something more specific.

    You start in an exciting spot. I did find the third sentence, which starts "In the autumn," dissipated the excitement. Maybe you could move that info farther down? I like that there's some tension already between the MC and her brother. Good luck!

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  5. This is a strong query. I'd suggest you name either the brother or the twin sister to make things more clear in the query. That will let you save some words.

    Also try to tighten. So that "After his death Sasha attempts her biggest heist ever, the one job her father planned to every last detail, but left undone." becomes After his death, Sasha attempts the big heist her father planned to the last detail, but left undone.

    I'd also say the stakes at the end are vague. Specific details would entice more. What secrets? What reasons?

    I liked the 250. I like the idea of a brother/sister team who aren't really related. Lots of possibilities there!

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  6. Query:

    *But one disaster follows another (Can you be more specific about what these disasters are? Like, an old flame of Sasha's turning up, a runaway horse, a surprise beauty pageant? It would help give a stronger idea of the tone as well as the plot) , and Sasha ends up minus (maybe "without" would be better) the sapphire and framed for its disappearance.

    *Meanwhile, Sasha’s beloved older brother,(delete this comma) and partner-in-crime, (and this one) has reasons of his own for making certain some family secrets stay buried.

    Wow, awesome query! I really want to read this now! I think naming the brother and surprise sister would be good, though.


    FIRST 250:

    *My brother Raj (This is Sasha's POV, so she wouldn't really think of Raj as "my brother". Can you slip in their relationship at another time where it's less tell-y?) and I waited amongst the trees at the edge of Signora D’Agnelli’s driveway, watching her limousine disappear into the dusky evening.

    Very strong first 250 words as well! You start right in the action, but it's not so busy that we're overwhelmed. Great job on all counts!

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  7. The only thing that tripped me up in the query was that at first you establish that Sasha is being framed/accused of stealing the sapphire, but then later you say that her identical twin is. Are they both being accused? It confused me a little.

    In the 250, for some reason the "No jewelry" sentence made me pause. I think it seems odd because my first thought is that a man wouldn't be wearing jewelry, and, maybe it's just me, but it's clear that they're thieves about to steal something and, since jewelry is sparkly and worn more for decoration, it seemed obvious enough that they wouldn't be wearing any. The sentence that says Raj didn't wear his earrings seemed fine to me, though (maybe because it builds character a bit).

    I stumbled over this phrase: "On the deck by the pool Raj took his laptop". Maybe just say they climb the deck first, and then in the next sentence have Raj take out his laptop by the pool.

    Overall, this is well-written with a fun concept. I certainly love me some dark secrets! Good luck!

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  8. This sounds like an interesting read!

    That being said, I think the query needs a few more specific details. Maybe mentioning the brother sooner and condensing the second paragraph could help. Also, the stakes don't feel urgent enough. What does the brother's secret have to do with the stakes? Does Sasha have to stop him? Find him to save her identical twin? Make it personal and make or break so an agent has to read more. Also, as someone else mentioned I would just say series potential, and give a little bit about yourself.

    The first 250 are pretty good. The only thing I was really missing was some voice. I don't know how to envision Sasha's character. Does she cuss? Does she have an accent? I'd love to see more of that in the pages.

    Best of luck with this! Hope my comments help.

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  9. The premise of this is great. I love a good heist, especially when it's done by a teenage girl, and your comp title is spot on. But I think you might be able to condense some things. In the first paragraph, it feels clunky where you talk about her biggest heist and the heist her father never did. They're one and the same, and it feels like the fact that her father didn't complete it is more important, so I would focus on that.

    You mention an older brother at the end, and if he's so beloved and her partner-in-crime, why didn't he help with the heist? Didn't he lose a dad too? The brother just doesn't work where he is. Also, saying she's framed seems a little odd. People who are framed are innocent, and while she didn't steal the sapphire, she's not wholly innocent. She was going to steal it, things just didn't go her way. It might be good to be a little more specific about what things went wrong.

    For your first 250, her calling Raj her brother right off the bat seems off. I would delete it there and then add it in the last sentence of that paragraph for something like "footprints in the muddy earth, my brother and I would be gone."

    There's a lot of description in your first 250, which is good, but I am missing some voice. This may come later, but right now I don't know much about Sasha. Do she and Raj bicker while they do this? If she funny? Serious? Does she swear with normal cuss words? Have her own made up swear words?

    You're off to a great start and good luck finding a home for this!

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